I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
