my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
