i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
