I could make wine with my vomit
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
