I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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