I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
