Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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