I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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