Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
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