I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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