My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
