I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
