There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
