I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
