I accidentally had phone sex last night
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize