I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
