My liver just broke up with me...
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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