i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
