I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
