your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Randomize
