this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
