That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
