ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
