Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
