Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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