You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
