dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
