Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
