We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
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