the new term for farting is butt boxing.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
