you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
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