I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
