We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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