i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
