Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
