so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
