Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
