When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
