i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
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