captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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