Duck Duck Cougar?
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
