Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
