Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
