For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
