I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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