literally had 100 drinks last night.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
