I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I don't deserve a penis
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
