We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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