I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
