I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
