i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
