this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I cut my penus on the lid.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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