I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
