Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
