Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
