hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
